Today I’m having a weird mental health day, so I thought I would document it so that others can see what poor mental health looks like in the moment, rather than when I simply write about it after the fact.
Here’s how I’m feeling today:
- Dizzy; I feel like I can’t look around too quickly or my eyes won’t catch up to my brain.
- Disconnected; Nothing feels quite real, though I’m not sure why. It’s like I’m made of cotton balls or something.
- Paranoid; I’m having a lot of paranoid thoughts today, like:
- Do I have a brain tumor? Is that why I feel so weird?
- Is my husband poisoning me and that’s why I feel so weird?
- Wow, that’s a really weird thought, am I becoming psychotic?
- Slow; Usually I’m kind of fidgety, but today, every move I make feels unnatural. I am most comfortable when I’m sitting perfectly still, staring into space, although the fact that that’s comfortable to me also makes me uncomfortable.
- Disjointed; I’m having a lot of trouble connecting things today, my thoughts aren’t running in a consistent stream, they keep breaking off and – it happened literally as I was typing this. Mid-thought, things just fell apart and I had no idea what was supposed to come next.
- Tired & Wired; I simultaneously feel like I could sleep for a thousand years and like I have to do a million things right now or I will explode. As a result, I’m not sleeping, but I’m also not doing anything productive, I’m mostly scrolling through social media.
Today is a weird bad mental health day for me. Most of the time, my bad mental health days involve a lot more negative self-talk and obsession, but today I think I may be struggling with dissociation. It’s hard to tell for sure because I’m just having trouble thinking, but that is probably a sign of dissociation.
Basically, as I type this, my fingers don’t really feel connected to me. Or like maybe they are connected to me, but only by a very, very long string and I’m actually miles away from my hands. I know that I’m not, I see my hands and my arms and I know I’m right here, but it doesn’t feel that way, which is disconcerting.
My head feels incredibly fuzzy, like there are actual cotton balls stuffed in the space between my brain and my skull. And the worst part is that I’m not sure why I feel this way. I know there doesn’t have to be a reason for every feeling, but it feels very bad to feel so odd and not know why. Hence all the paranoid thoughts trying to make this make sense, no matter how outlandish the potential reason might be.
I’ve been drinking a lot more caffeine than usual thanks to quarantine, but I’m thinking it may be time to cut back. I stopped drinking caffeine for years, then in the last few years I started drinking it every now and again, but in the last month or so, I’ve had caffeine every single day, and I’m wondering if it’s just not good for my anxious, fight/flight/freeze-prone brain.
Anyway, this is me. This is what mental health issues look like up close and personal. They’re weird and hard to understand and thus hard to express, but I’m trying because expressing my issues as I experience them is very different than writing an article about them after I feel better.
Does anyone else have days like this? Does anyone have a good explanation? I’m open to possibilities, because like I said, it’s very uncomfortable to feel so bizarre and not know why.