Does simply having feelings make anyone else bone-freaking-tired? I feel like my brain is just constantly processing and coping and that’s great, really, my life is so much better now than it was five or even just one year ago because of this, but the result is just constant exhaustion. Yes, I understand that I’m 33 weeks pregnant and that may have something to do with it too, but honestly, I think I can tell the difference between the “my body is building another body and that’s, y’know, hard” kind of tired and the “my brain is running circles around itself trying to understand why I am the way I am so that I don’t completely torch my life” kind of tired. Right now, I am mostly the second.
The thing is, I don’t know how to cope with the my coping. Who knew coping with life would come with its own set of issues?? Not me! Things they don’t warn you about when it comes to recovery: how hard it is, how inconsistent it is, and how it often creates its own new (albeit often more manageable) problems.
I’m so grateful to be doing so much better these days than I used to be. But to anyone out there just getting started down the road to recovery, feeling intimidated by people who are further along and are clearly in an amazing headspace that you’ll never be able to achieve, just know that today my version of “better” looks like lying in bed on tumblr for 3 hours putting off making this post. It looks like thinking “I want to die” and “No I don’t I’m just uncomfortable, tired, and processing a lot right now” simultaneously over and over. It looks like eating a huge ass bowl of ice cream. I just mean, it’s messy still.
I’m not saying you’ll never get to the version of “better” that you want to get to, I’m just saying you should give yourself permission to get started with recovery even knowing it will not be magically perfect or anything. All of these issues are frustrating, sure, but they are a million times more manageable and survivable than a lot of issues I dealt with in my past. And that’s a good thing (even if it does feel a bit invalidating…more shit to process, hurray!)
That’s all I’ve got for today, just a rambling post about brains and their weirdness. Tomorrow we’ll finish off BEDS right with a proper post (I hope). I both can’t believe it’s already almost over and can’t wait to go back to a more reasonable post schedule. Thank you to everyone who’s kept up with the blog this month, even with these little life updates thrown in whenever the constant posting got to be a bit too much. I appreciate you!