I was having a perfectly good day yesterday, getting some writing done in the park, enjoying some sunshine after a week of hurricane season fallout drifting across the Midwest. And then, one of your speckled, elongated brethren crawled onto the screen of my laptop.
Like, why. That’s what I want to know. I am a relatively outdoorsy person. I enjoy nature and hiking and if I could, I would do all of my writing in parks or my backyard. But I can’t. You wanna know why, spiders? It’s because you all insist on asserting your existence every time I start to forget about you. You’re like an ex who texts the minute you start to feel better about yourself. And I want to know why.
I understand that you haven’t actually done anything wrong. That being creepy and crawly and having 8 legs (a truly absurd number of legs, in my opinion) is not an active choice on your part, designed to freak me out and make me feel nauseous. In fact, I acknowledge that I do not factor into your life at all. I am but a screeching giant, and my laptop is but a fun, new playground. I get that, I do.
But why do you have to turn up at exactly the wrong moment every time? Two weeks ago one of your kind fell on my friend’s foot while we were camping, so naturally we had to pack up at midnight and drive three hours home in the dark (yes, that actually happened). And yesterday you crawled onto my laptop, and a beautiful day in the park was ruined as I fled to my car, repeatedly shaking out my sweater and scratching at the back my neck, where I swear I can still feel your little speckled legs.
If you were to show up during an awkward conversation at a family reunion, thus giving me an excuse to freak out and change the subject, we would totally get along. I would still get someone braver than I to squish you, don’t get me wrong, but either way you get squished. The only way to avoid getting squished is to stay the fuck away from me.
All I ask is to be left alone, left to enjoy camping trips and days in the park, unimpeded by the many-legged hell-spawn of my nightmares.